The More We Know, The More We See

It has been awhile since my last blog post, but taking 24 units in school has a way of taking up a lot of my time. This past semester has been one of my most productive. My singing has gotten much better, I wrote and recorded a song, and I have started dancing again. One of the classes I took during the fall semester was Psychology of Women. I thought it would benefit me due to the fact that I have a lot of women friends, and my hope was to understand them better. I really learned a lot about women as well as myself.
I had to write a paper talking about how the U.S. "ideals" of beauty and goodness, and how I have/or not have participated. I was also asked to write about my own personal experience with women, and how it has affected me as a man. It took me three days to write this paper, and I had to go down some painful roads of my past. I did get an A on this paper, and now I would like to share it with you. So please enjoy, and as always I'm open to comments and feedback:


As I sat down to write this essay, I had to ask myself “what does beauty and goodness really mean?” Is there really such a thing as “ideals”? According to Louise Wood in her article Perceptions Of Female Beauty In The 20th Century she says “Definitions of beauty in the 20th century, when referring to human physical beauty, are nearly always constructed in terms of outward appearance and sexual attractiveness.” Nancy Baker author of The Beauty Trap says “A truly beautiful woman makes the best of her physical assets but, more importantly, she also radiates a personal quality which is attractive.”
I believe both statements to be true. That being said, everybody has their own idea of what ideal feminine beauty is. Asking someone what their idea of feminine beauty is, is like asking them “what’s you’re favorite ice cream flavor.” You will get a different answer every time. Being a guy, my idea of feminine beauty is different from a women’s. What I find interesting is what women think our (men’s) idea of beauty and goodness is. Women seem to think that men want big breasts, long legs, and a tiny waist. Little do they know women are living up to the medias idea of what beauty is. Women really need to stop getting their information from movies, television, and magazines, and start listening to themselves. Women today need to reclaim their identity and stop worrying about what men as well as what others think or say. We live in a society where words dominate how we feel about ourselves. I feel like women are affected by this more then men are. In his book The Secret Power Of Words author Roy Masters writes: For words to take on meaning and reality, it becomes necessary to respond to them as if they were real things, so that words begin to act on you as though they were actual environment. I feel like the “back handed complement” is a perfect example of how words can affect the way women feel about themselves. Women live in a world of double standards, and the more we cater to this, the more we continue to pressure women to live up to unrealistic standards.
Women today are under so much pressure to look a certain way. They can’t be too modest, and they can’t look too sexy because of what people might think and say. For me a woman can wear just about anything and be sexy so long as she has the confidence to back it up. A woman who takes care of herself, and takes pride in her appearance, is something every guy wants. However, it shouldn't’t come at the cost of her self esteem, self respect, or self worth.
I never really followed the U.S. standard of beauty. I’ve always followed my own idea of what beauty is and should be. Because of this I would always get teased by my friends. The women I would go out with would not always be what most people would consider “hot.” I’m really not attracted to the United States ideal of beauty. I’m not one for big breasts, I really don’t care about a skinny wist, and the color of her hair does not matter to me. The point I’m trying to make is I don’t go out of my way to search for what society considers the “ideal” women. Who you are as a person is a quality that is very important to me.
Women continue to perpetuate U.S. ideals of feminine beauty by refusing to listen to themselves and society. It’s a rare find to see a women who has created her own style, and has the confidence to back it up. The insecurity I see in most women prevents them from setting the trends instead of following them. Why do we as people put our self esteem and self worth in the hands of strangers? Why do we have this need to want to be accepted by others? We all want to be accepted and to be loved, but are we really going about it the right way? Are we as men really doing all that we can to tell women that they don’t have to live up to the media standard of beauty and goodness? What if we as a society learned to embrace people for who they are, and encouraged them to be themselves.
I feel it’s so easy to blame the media, and U.S. ideals for what we have come to accept as the standard of beauty and goodness. I believe the standard can be changed, and it starts with us. As long as men and women try to live up to, and expect unrealistic expectations, we will continue to let the media and society dictate the standard of beauty and goodness.
I have been in more relationships then I care to admit. I was once on the quest for the “perfect” woman whom I could marry and live happily ever after with. I would write a detailed list of my “ideal” woman. How she would look, things she would like, and everything in between. I would write everything down as if I could hand the list over to some “Build The Perfect Woman Factory”, and she would be delivered to my house. It took me sometime to realize that not only was I living in my own ridiculous fantasy world, but I was also being very selfish. Instead I decided to work on becoming the man the woman of my dreams would want to not only be with, but maybe even marry. From that day on I set aside my mission on trying to find the “perfect” woman, and instead I would just like to find the right woman.
There used to be a time when I once followed society’s idea of beauty and goodness. I used to worry about what my friends thought about the woman I would be dating at the time, and based on their opinion I would determine on rather or not I would stay with her. If that wasn’t bad enough, looks would come first and character came second. By doing this I always managed to date the women who would treat me the worst. This took it’s toll on who I was as a person. I became graded, and felt like I could not be myself. I would change personalities depending on who I would be hanging out with that day. I lost who I was, all in the name of finding the “perfect” woman. Going through all this tribulation made me wonder what women must be going through trying to live up to the media and society’s standards. Not only in the area of beauty and goodness, but in how they should act, how they should feel, and how they should live. It’s enough to drive someone crazy. To a point, I really do believe most women are at the edge of their braking point. Always putting others first, and making sure everyone else is happy. Women have a tendency to do this in almost every aspect of their lives. It seems like no matter how much of themselves that they give, it’s never enough.
I was once engaged to a great women named Ashley. We were together for 3 1/2 years. Ashley was the type of woman who remembered the little things, which was very important to me. Some of Ashley’s great quality’s that I loved and that attracted me to her, was the fact that she is kind, caring, generous, loving, affectionate, helpful, funny, smart, and to me she was hot! Ashley and I met through a mutual friend. I was teaching Ballroom and Latin dancing at a dance studio in a mall in the city of Moreno Valley. She came with a friend to watch me teach a lesson. When I was done, Ashley and I plus a couple of friends hung out for the day. I got a chance to know Ashley better and I asked her out on a date. From that day on we knew we wanted to be with each other. Like all relationships, we had our ups and downs, but we always had more good times then bad. When the time came for us to start getting things ready for our big day, I felt like we were ready. However, for me there was just one problem. I was in the process of getting out of debt. I had joined a credit counseling program and was six months away form being debt free. I asked Ashly if we could wait till I was done with the program. I told her that once we get married my debt becomes her debt, and there was no way we would be able to rent an apartment with my credit score, unless we pay a large security deposit. I also told her I did not want to start our new life together in debt, and I didn’t think six months was a long time to wait. Boy, was I wrong! Ashley became very upset, and between her mixed feeling, and the bad advice of some of her friends Ashley broke up with me.
I was so hurt and heart broken. I became numb and started finding rebound relationships. I did not talk to Ashley for about three years, although she continued to keep in contact with the rest of my family who she became very close to.
I was at a very low point in my life. Finally I decided to pull myself together, and get my life back on track. Ashley requested a chance to apologize for over reacting. By this time Ashley was about to marry the father her new baby. I found out that after Ashley broke up with me her friends hooked her up with a one night stand, but that night she got more then she bargained for.
Her news made me sad, because despite everything, I wanted her back. To this day I sometimes wish things could have been different between Ashley and I. She was the first woman I was truly in love with. Ashley is now divorced with two kids, and our love and passion for each other has been replaced with feelings of friendship. We still get together occasionally to catch up on each others lives over coffee. She is now dating a new guy and she is happy, which is very important to me.
I really learned a lot in my relationship with Ashley. I learned a lot about myself, about what it means to be in a real relationship, I learned what it means to give and take, and I learned about the emotional needs of women. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that some things just weren’t meant to be, but it doesn’t make what happened any easier. I do consider myself to be a religious person, and I believe in the power of prayer and meditation. I had to learn how to love myself before I can let others love me, and I never want to be in a relationship just because society says I have to. There was a time when a relationship used to define who I was. Now, I define who I am.
I have had many experiences with women. I have seen how good they really can be, and I have seen their cruel and dark side. Regardless of everything I have been through, I love women. I love everything about them.
My only complaint would be that women rarely take the time to understand men. They don’t bother to try to understand why we are the way we are, and the pressures and burdens we have to face everyday. Women are so quick to write us off as brainless, sex crazed, unattached, emotionless beings, but there is so much more to us. Men are just as much victims of society and the media as women. Men are also slaves to the standards of ideals. As a man, there have been many times when I have felt alone. Society and the media tell us it’s not masculine to share your emotions with anybody. We have to keep our feelings to our self's, and even if we did want to talk where would we go? Who would listen?
U.S. ideals, the media, and society are robbing men, and women of our right to be who we are meant to be. We are in constant competition with each other. We are being divided, when we should be united. What kind of world would it be if men and women stopped living up to ideal standards. What if men and women held each other accountable for who we are as individuals, with love, patience, and understanding. What if we lived up to our own standards, instead of society’s, or the media’s? Is it even possible? Is the human race strong enough to do such a thing? I wonder how much better our lives would be. My fear is that these questions will forever go unanswered.