For most of my life I have lived in fear. I was afraid of just about everything, which made me a perfect target for bullies, people who like to take advantage of others, and just mean people in general. Like most people, the opinions of others used to dictate how I felt and thought about myself. Putting my trust and hope in broken people is what I would do to find my place in the world.
Words had a way of leading me away from the truth, and blinding me to what is real. All I really wanted was to be happy. But when you stop to think about that, what does being happy really mean. Everybody has their own idea of what happiness is, and we are always on the search for it. One thing I found out I was doing in seeking happiness was unconsciously drawing pain to myself so that I may know and enjoy pleasure. It took me some time to find out that I can not fined enough pleasure to ease my pain, and so I was left with nothing but pain. Soon, nothing was ever good enough and I was never happy.
This brings me back to the subject of fear. When it comes to fear, I find there are two extreme attitudes: a mad, frustrating pursuit of pleasure, or a state of withdrawal from life and it's power to hurt. I took on the second attitude. I hated being afraid all the time. I wanted to be strong and brave. I used to think to myself, "maybe I can fake it." But there really is no substitute on earth for courage, and people could see right through it. Since I have been praying and meditating, I'm learning the conquest of fear requires the conquest of daily frustration. In order to do this I have to find within myself a desire to place my principles before my personal aims and advantages. I have to be willing to live and speak up for things I know to be right in my heart. I must stay true to my convictions and exercise them even though I may have to stand alone.
The hardest aspect of all this is, although I have no desire to hurt, I have to realize that truth can, and does bring pain. Both to myself and to those I love, but that pain is a stress I need if I want to grow as a person. I can't imagine doing anything harder. Being a Christ follower means God is going to continue to raise the bar. Never did he say following him would be easy.
I used to have a lot of resentment. I would keep records of wrongs, and love conditionally. I had a very self serving attitude, and would only do things if there was something in it for me. Not only was my heart in the wrong place, but I began to wonder if I even had a heart at all.
Resentment lead me to the knowledge of fear, and the desire to run and take action contrary to reason. My unwise actions have made bigger problems for me to be upset over. It turns out only a patient, clam, and positive person can successfully handle a negative situation, and an angry person is ill-equipped to face life.
An angry person has no control over things, in fact things have control over that person. I know because I've been there.
Resentment is the service of hell in people and disobedience to God.
Out of anger and resentment I could be found serving and pleasing my enemies, and taking out my frustrations on those I clam to love. Anger and resentment made me a prisoner, and started eating away at my soul like a cancer. For me the hardest thing to do has been to look at what I had become, to see the REAL truth about myself.
I have lived in fear for to long. I have been filled with anger and resentment for most of my life. Through prayer and meditation I don't have to be afraid anymore, and I don't have to be filled with anger and resentment. With God's grace, forgiveness, and love I can be "happy" with myself.
Life happens, I'm not saying it doesn't. I have been through the hardest year of my life. But I know for myself I am being tested to see how I handle everyday situations in life.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Journey Continues
I realize it has been quite a while since I have posted anything. However, my quest to becoming a whole person has lead me to finding out new thins about myself.
For the past eight months I have been working on making my mind healthy. The key to this has been Meditation, and of course prayer. Seeking God in the moment has been my goal and the primary focus of becoming a whole person. I've learned that the meditation exercise contains all the ingredients for perfect self-control. I have been working on having more compassion for others. Having more compassion, I'm learning to not let things upset or frustrate me, not in the slightest degree. Especially when it comes to those little unkind, unfair and dishonest things that people say and do to motivate and downgrade my ego to raise theirs. Yet another reason why I am trying to get rid of my ego. I also learned what my biggest weakness has been...words. For years I have let words dictate the way I feel about myself. I'm in the process of trying to understand what people are really saying without words. After all, we are born with the ability to do so. For to long, instead of believing in myself, I have allowed myself to be affected by the words of others. I have labored to hear words of praise, and in doing so I have been believing in words more then in my true original self. It turns out the more upset I am, the more word - sensitive I become.
Despite all I have learned, the one thing I am struggling with is being scared single. My out look on relationships right now is very grim. Even though as of now I am not relationship material, the very thought of having a girlfriend depresses me. The women I have gone out with in the past have been narrow minded, judgmental, self absorbed, and self centered. Unable to accept me for who I am, or what I want to do with my life. Unable to accept or respect my family, and friends, and trying to change me into a person I was never meant to be. I'll be the first to admit I'm not like most guys, and I'm damn proud of that fact! Because I'm not like most guys, it might take people time to get used to the person I am. But I don't know why my girlfriends in the past have felt like they have to change me. If you don't like the person that I am, why did you agree to be my girlfriend?
Anyway like I said earlier, this is something I'm working on. I am still on my journey to becoming a whole person.
To be continued...
For the past eight months I have been working on making my mind healthy. The key to this has been Meditation, and of course prayer. Seeking God in the moment has been my goal and the primary focus of becoming a whole person. I've learned that the meditation exercise contains all the ingredients for perfect self-control. I have been working on having more compassion for others. Having more compassion, I'm learning to not let things upset or frustrate me, not in the slightest degree. Especially when it comes to those little unkind, unfair and dishonest things that people say and do to motivate and downgrade my ego to raise theirs. Yet another reason why I am trying to get rid of my ego. I also learned what my biggest weakness has been...words. For years I have let words dictate the way I feel about myself. I'm in the process of trying to understand what people are really saying without words. After all, we are born with the ability to do so. For to long, instead of believing in myself, I have allowed myself to be affected by the words of others. I have labored to hear words of praise, and in doing so I have been believing in words more then in my true original self. It turns out the more upset I am, the more word - sensitive I become.
Despite all I have learned, the one thing I am struggling with is being scared single. My out look on relationships right now is very grim. Even though as of now I am not relationship material, the very thought of having a girlfriend depresses me. The women I have gone out with in the past have been narrow minded, judgmental, self absorbed, and self centered. Unable to accept me for who I am, or what I want to do with my life. Unable to accept or respect my family, and friends, and trying to change me into a person I was never meant to be. I'll be the first to admit I'm not like most guys, and I'm damn proud of that fact! Because I'm not like most guys, it might take people time to get used to the person I am. But I don't know why my girlfriends in the past have felt like they have to change me. If you don't like the person that I am, why did you agree to be my girlfriend?
Anyway like I said earlier, this is something I'm working on. I am still on my journey to becoming a whole person.
To be continued...
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