The More We Know, The More We See

It has been awhile since my last blog post, but taking 24 units in school has a way of taking up a lot of my time. This past semester has been one of my most productive. My singing has gotten much better, I wrote and recorded a song, and I have started dancing again. One of the classes I took during the fall semester was Psychology of Women. I thought it would benefit me due to the fact that I have a lot of women friends, and my hope was to understand them better. I really learned a lot about women as well as myself.
I had to write a paper talking about how the U.S. "ideals" of beauty and goodness, and how I have/or not have participated. I was also asked to write about my own personal experience with women, and how it has affected me as a man. It took me three days to write this paper, and I had to go down some painful roads of my past. I did get an A on this paper, and now I would like to share it with you. So please enjoy, and as always I'm open to comments and feedback:


As I sat down to write this essay, I had to ask myself “what does beauty and goodness really mean?” Is there really such a thing as “ideals”? According to Louise Wood in her article Perceptions Of Female Beauty In The 20th Century she says “Definitions of beauty in the 20th century, when referring to human physical beauty, are nearly always constructed in terms of outward appearance and sexual attractiveness.” Nancy Baker author of The Beauty Trap says “A truly beautiful woman makes the best of her physical assets but, more importantly, she also radiates a personal quality which is attractive.”
I believe both statements to be true. That being said, everybody has their own idea of what ideal feminine beauty is. Asking someone what their idea of feminine beauty is, is like asking them “what’s you’re favorite ice cream flavor.” You will get a different answer every time. Being a guy, my idea of feminine beauty is different from a women’s. What I find interesting is what women think our (men’s) idea of beauty and goodness is. Women seem to think that men want big breasts, long legs, and a tiny waist. Little do they know women are living up to the medias idea of what beauty is. Women really need to stop getting their information from movies, television, and magazines, and start listening to themselves. Women today need to reclaim their identity and stop worrying about what men as well as what others think or say. We live in a society where words dominate how we feel about ourselves. I feel like women are affected by this more then men are. In his book The Secret Power Of Words author Roy Masters writes: For words to take on meaning and reality, it becomes necessary to respond to them as if they were real things, so that words begin to act on you as though they were actual environment. I feel like the “back handed complement” is a perfect example of how words can affect the way women feel about themselves. Women live in a world of double standards, and the more we cater to this, the more we continue to pressure women to live up to unrealistic standards.
Women today are under so much pressure to look a certain way. They can’t be too modest, and they can’t look too sexy because of what people might think and say. For me a woman can wear just about anything and be sexy so long as she has the confidence to back it up. A woman who takes care of herself, and takes pride in her appearance, is something every guy wants. However, it shouldn't’t come at the cost of her self esteem, self respect, or self worth.
I never really followed the U.S. standard of beauty. I’ve always followed my own idea of what beauty is and should be. Because of this I would always get teased by my friends. The women I would go out with would not always be what most people would consider “hot.” I’m really not attracted to the United States ideal of beauty. I’m not one for big breasts, I really don’t care about a skinny wist, and the color of her hair does not matter to me. The point I’m trying to make is I don’t go out of my way to search for what society considers the “ideal” women. Who you are as a person is a quality that is very important to me.
Women continue to perpetuate U.S. ideals of feminine beauty by refusing to listen to themselves and society. It’s a rare find to see a women who has created her own style, and has the confidence to back it up. The insecurity I see in most women prevents them from setting the trends instead of following them. Why do we as people put our self esteem and self worth in the hands of strangers? Why do we have this need to want to be accepted by others? We all want to be accepted and to be loved, but are we really going about it the right way? Are we as men really doing all that we can to tell women that they don’t have to live up to the media standard of beauty and goodness? What if we as a society learned to embrace people for who they are, and encouraged them to be themselves.
I feel it’s so easy to blame the media, and U.S. ideals for what we have come to accept as the standard of beauty and goodness. I believe the standard can be changed, and it starts with us. As long as men and women try to live up to, and expect unrealistic expectations, we will continue to let the media and society dictate the standard of beauty and goodness.
I have been in more relationships then I care to admit. I was once on the quest for the “perfect” woman whom I could marry and live happily ever after with. I would write a detailed list of my “ideal” woman. How she would look, things she would like, and everything in between. I would write everything down as if I could hand the list over to some “Build The Perfect Woman Factory”, and she would be delivered to my house. It took me sometime to realize that not only was I living in my own ridiculous fantasy world, but I was also being very selfish. Instead I decided to work on becoming the man the woman of my dreams would want to not only be with, but maybe even marry. From that day on I set aside my mission on trying to find the “perfect” woman, and instead I would just like to find the right woman.
There used to be a time when I once followed society’s idea of beauty and goodness. I used to worry about what my friends thought about the woman I would be dating at the time, and based on their opinion I would determine on rather or not I would stay with her. If that wasn’t bad enough, looks would come first and character came second. By doing this I always managed to date the women who would treat me the worst. This took it’s toll on who I was as a person. I became graded, and felt like I could not be myself. I would change personalities depending on who I would be hanging out with that day. I lost who I was, all in the name of finding the “perfect” woman. Going through all this tribulation made me wonder what women must be going through trying to live up to the media and society’s standards. Not only in the area of beauty and goodness, but in how they should act, how they should feel, and how they should live. It’s enough to drive someone crazy. To a point, I really do believe most women are at the edge of their braking point. Always putting others first, and making sure everyone else is happy. Women have a tendency to do this in almost every aspect of their lives. It seems like no matter how much of themselves that they give, it’s never enough.
I was once engaged to a great women named Ashley. We were together for 3 1/2 years. Ashley was the type of woman who remembered the little things, which was very important to me. Some of Ashley’s great quality’s that I loved and that attracted me to her, was the fact that she is kind, caring, generous, loving, affectionate, helpful, funny, smart, and to me she was hot! Ashley and I met through a mutual friend. I was teaching Ballroom and Latin dancing at a dance studio in a mall in the city of Moreno Valley. She came with a friend to watch me teach a lesson. When I was done, Ashley and I plus a couple of friends hung out for the day. I got a chance to know Ashley better and I asked her out on a date. From that day on we knew we wanted to be with each other. Like all relationships, we had our ups and downs, but we always had more good times then bad. When the time came for us to start getting things ready for our big day, I felt like we were ready. However, for me there was just one problem. I was in the process of getting out of debt. I had joined a credit counseling program and was six months away form being debt free. I asked Ashly if we could wait till I was done with the program. I told her that once we get married my debt becomes her debt, and there was no way we would be able to rent an apartment with my credit score, unless we pay a large security deposit. I also told her I did not want to start our new life together in debt, and I didn’t think six months was a long time to wait. Boy, was I wrong! Ashley became very upset, and between her mixed feeling, and the bad advice of some of her friends Ashley broke up with me.
I was so hurt and heart broken. I became numb and started finding rebound relationships. I did not talk to Ashley for about three years, although she continued to keep in contact with the rest of my family who she became very close to.
I was at a very low point in my life. Finally I decided to pull myself together, and get my life back on track. Ashley requested a chance to apologize for over reacting. By this time Ashley was about to marry the father her new baby. I found out that after Ashley broke up with me her friends hooked her up with a one night stand, but that night she got more then she bargained for.
Her news made me sad, because despite everything, I wanted her back. To this day I sometimes wish things could have been different between Ashley and I. She was the first woman I was truly in love with. Ashley is now divorced with two kids, and our love and passion for each other has been replaced with feelings of friendship. We still get together occasionally to catch up on each others lives over coffee. She is now dating a new guy and she is happy, which is very important to me.
I really learned a lot in my relationship with Ashley. I learned a lot about myself, about what it means to be in a real relationship, I learned what it means to give and take, and I learned about the emotional needs of women. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that some things just weren’t meant to be, but it doesn’t make what happened any easier. I do consider myself to be a religious person, and I believe in the power of prayer and meditation. I had to learn how to love myself before I can let others love me, and I never want to be in a relationship just because society says I have to. There was a time when a relationship used to define who I was. Now, I define who I am.
I have had many experiences with women. I have seen how good they really can be, and I have seen their cruel and dark side. Regardless of everything I have been through, I love women. I love everything about them.
My only complaint would be that women rarely take the time to understand men. They don’t bother to try to understand why we are the way we are, and the pressures and burdens we have to face everyday. Women are so quick to write us off as brainless, sex crazed, unattached, emotionless beings, but there is so much more to us. Men are just as much victims of society and the media as women. Men are also slaves to the standards of ideals. As a man, there have been many times when I have felt alone. Society and the media tell us it’s not masculine to share your emotions with anybody. We have to keep our feelings to our self's, and even if we did want to talk where would we go? Who would listen?
U.S. ideals, the media, and society are robbing men, and women of our right to be who we are meant to be. We are in constant competition with each other. We are being divided, when we should be united. What kind of world would it be if men and women stopped living up to ideal standards. What if men and women held each other accountable for who we are as individuals, with love, patience, and understanding. What if we lived up to our own standards, instead of society’s, or the media’s? Is it even possible? Is the human race strong enough to do such a thing? I wonder how much better our lives would be. My fear is that these questions will forever go unanswered.

Sticks and Stones

For most of my life I have lived in fear. I was afraid of just about everything, which made me a perfect target for bullies, people who like to take advantage of others, and just mean people in general. Like most people, the opinions of others used to dictate how I felt and thought about myself. Putting my trust and hope in broken people is what I would do to find my place in the world.
Words had a way of leading me away from the truth, and blinding me to what is real. All I really wanted was to be happy. But when you stop to think about that, what does being happy really mean. Everybody has their own idea of what happiness is, and we are always on the search for it. One thing I found out I was doing in seeking happiness was unconsciously drawing pain to myself so that I may know and enjoy pleasure. It took me some time to find out that I can not fined enough pleasure to ease my pain, and so I was left with nothing but pain. Soon, nothing was ever good enough and I was never happy.

This brings me back to the subject of fear. When it comes to fear, I find there are two extreme attitudes: a mad, frustrating pursuit of pleasure, or a state of withdrawal from life and it's power to hurt. I took on the second attitude. I hated being afraid all the time. I wanted to be strong and brave. I used to think to myself, "maybe I can fake it." But there really is no substitute on earth for courage, and people could see right through it. Since I have been praying and meditating, I'm learning the conquest of fear requires the conquest of daily frustration. In order to do this I have to find within myself a desire to place my principles before my personal aims and advantages. I have to be willing to live and speak up for things I know to be right in my heart. I must stay true to my convictions and exercise them even though I may have to stand alone.

The hardest aspect of all this is, although I have no desire to hurt, I have to realize that truth can, and does bring pain. Both to myself and to those I love, but that pain is a stress I need if I want to grow as a person. I can't imagine doing anything harder. Being a Christ follower means God is going to continue to raise the bar. Never did he say following him would be easy.

I used to have a lot of resentment. I would keep records of wrongs, and love conditionally. I had a very self serving attitude, and would only do things if there was something in it for me. Not only was my heart in the wrong place, but I began to wonder if I even had a heart at all.
Resentment lead me to the knowledge of fear, and the desire to run and take action contrary to reason. My unwise actions have made bigger problems for me to be upset over. It turns out only a patient, clam, and positive person can successfully handle a negative situation, and an angry person is ill-equipped to face life.

An angry person has no control over things, in fact things have control over that person. I know because I've been there.
Resentment is the service of hell in people and disobedience to God.

Out of anger and resentment I could be found serving and pleasing my enemies, and taking out my frustrations on those I clam to love. Anger and resentment made me a prisoner, and started eating away at my soul like a cancer. For me the hardest thing to do has been to look at what I had become, to see the REAL truth about myself.

I have lived in fear for to long. I have been filled with anger and resentment for most of my life. Through prayer and meditation I don't have to be afraid anymore, and I don't have to be filled with anger and resentment. With God's grace, forgiveness, and love I can be "happy" with myself.
Life happens, I'm not saying it doesn't. I have been through the hardest year of my life. But I know for myself I am being tested to see how I handle everyday situations in life.

The Journey Continues

I realize it has been quite a while since I have posted anything. However, my quest to becoming a whole person has lead me to finding out new thins about myself.

For the past eight months I have been working on making my mind healthy. The key to this has been Meditation, and of course prayer. Seeking God in the moment has been my goal and the primary focus of becoming a whole person. I've learned that the meditation exercise contains all the ingredients for perfect self-control. I have been working on having more compassion for others. Having more compassion, I'm learning to not let things upset or frustrate me, not in the slightest degree. Especially when it comes to those little unkind, unfair and dishonest things that people say and do to motivate and downgrade my ego to raise theirs. Yet another reason why I am trying to get rid of my ego. I also learned what my biggest weakness has been...words. For years I have let words dictate the way I feel about myself. I'm in the process of trying to understand what people are really saying without words. After all, we are born with the ability to do so. For to long, instead of believing in myself, I have allowed myself to be affected by the words of others. I have labored to hear words of praise, and in doing so I have been believing in words more then in my true original self. It turns out the more upset I am, the more word - sensitive I become.

Despite all I have learned, the one thing I am struggling with is being scared single. My out look on relationships right now is very grim. Even though as of now I am not relationship material, the very thought of having a girlfriend depresses me. The women I have gone out with in the past have been narrow minded, judgmental, self absorbed, and self centered. Unable to accept me for who I am, or what I want to do with my life. Unable to accept or respect my family, and friends, and trying to change me into a person I was never meant to be. I'll be the first to admit I'm not like most guys, and I'm damn proud of that fact! Because I'm not like most guys, it might take people time to get used to the person I am. But I don't know why my girlfriends in the past have felt like they have to change me. If you don't like the person that I am, why did you agree to be my girlfriend?

Anyway like I said earlier, this is something I'm working on. I am still on my journey to becoming a whole person.

To be continued...

I'm Sorry

Donald Miller is what I like to call an open minded christen. (to bad his followers are not the same). In his book "Blue Like Jazz" He talks about attending Reed College (I forget what state and city it's in) but this college in known for it's liberated thinking and they do not take kindly to Christian's. Donald Miller and the few christian friends he had on campus came up with the idea of setting up a confession booth in the middle of the quad during one of the schools biggest party's. The confession booth was NOT intended for non-believers to come in and confess their sins to followers of Christ, but rather for the Christ followers to confess their sins to the secular world.

They would apologize for all the things that so called "Christian's" would do in the name of God, and how Christ followers can be just as bad and in some cases worse then non-believers.

I have been inspired to do the same thing, so here it goes:

On behalf of all Christ followers I would like to apologize to the world for the following;

For every time Christians would protest at the funeral of a fallen soldier and/or a gay soldier

For every time Christians would protest at gay clubs

for our in tolerance

for being narrow minded

for being judgmental

for trying to shove religion down every body's throat

for believing that there's only one right religion

for not practicing what we preach

for being hypocritical

for casting out those who are different

for being two faced

for preaching hatred

for turning our backs on those who needed us the most

for acting like we are better then everybody else

for not stepping out of our "safe" bubble to help others in need

and for every other way we have offended, hurt, betrayed and let the world down.

For all of the above, I'm sorry

Becoming a Whole Person

What does it mean to be a whole person. A lot of us like to think that we are, when in fact we are hollow. After my last failed relationship, I decided to get better and not bitter. I feel that resentment and ego is a cancer to the soul. I will be blogging about my journey to not only become a whole person, but to love radically. I will also be sharing my progress and experiences a long the way. However, you may not like what you read. Remember, I'm only sharing what I have learned about myself. I'm not trying to force anything on others. Everybody is different, and we should celebrate that about each other.

For those of you who are reading this that believe in God (notice I didn't name a specific religion) What do you pray for? I Have prayed for many things in my life. One of the main objects of my prayer time has always been to know God better, and to be molded after him, and to be dangerous like his son Jesus. I have surrendered everything in my life to him. Not to many people can understand this.

I am starting to become aware of my silly ego-needs, and I have realized that no one can fulfill them. It's because of my ego I have aloud myself to go from failed relationship to failed relationship. At the end of every relationship I would analyze where I went wrong. Analysis in my life has always substituted for understanding and leads me to worry, and doubt, and doubt will in turn lead to confusion, emotion, depression and despair. I know I needed a change in my life. A change that can only come from within. I'm doing this to discover my true self rather then to feel better. I know I will learn things about myself I'm not going to like, but I'm tired of making excuses for my shortcomings. I have the choice to be the man I was meant to be.

The most important thing I hope to experience is repentance, which for me will be a sad gladness when I see myself in the light, and I see my ego as part of the problem.

The first thing I have to learn is true love does not expect anything from anyone. I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Can I really love myself and others the way God loves us? Is it even possible? There's only one way to find out.

What A Difference A Day Makes

As promised I'm back to update on what I have come to know as my temporary set back. I have lost my independence in every aspect. But I don't look at it as a bad thing. Being forced to stay at home as allowed me to reconnect with whats really important. I've been truly blessed to have a gracious family who allows me to stay at their house while I get back on my feet. I find comfort and sanity in the company of my friends, who also go out of their way to pick me up and give me a ride places due to the fact that my car is out of commission at the moment. Being home bound has also help me to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. I'm learning to stop pursuing toxic relationships, the way a drug addict pursues their next fix. I'm no longer with Allison. The break up was messy, but necessary. So many events durning the course of our courtship became the cause of our separation, yet Allison will insist that the break up came out of the blue. In the end it came down to the fact that I could never be what she wanted. I guess somethings just weren't meant to be.

School I going to start again soon, and I can't wait to get back. Walking across the college campus always makes me feel better, and productive. As odd as it may sound I'm very much looking forward to homework, and projects. I'm looking forward to spending hours in a coffee house consumed in books, and homework while enjoying my favorite drink. Sitting still while the rest of the world moves in fast forward around me.

It has not been an easy couple of months, but learning life lesson's are never easy. and although you may struggle, in the end it's always worth it.

I'm Back

I started this blog to kind of keep my friends informed of the adventure that is my life. I used to tell stories of my past to my ex-girlfriend Allison who would always tell me that I should write a book. I figured that this would be like a trial run to see if anyone would ever read it. A lot had happened in my life since my last post and given the fact that it is 1:41am and I'm a little tired, this post will be kind of short. I just wanted to make the announcement that I will resume this blog, and for all those who want a glimpse in to my world this is where you will find it. I encourage comments so please let me know whats on your mind. My next post will be coming soon, and will be a lot longer then this one. so once again welcome to Aarons' life.